The Real NYT's Endorsement - Bush Really Sucks

You can grab the NYT's version at Wizbang.

Okay, so Senator John Kerry goes toward the election with noone buying into the Boston Brahmin's populist shtick but at least we should all agree, Bush really sucks. We have come to know Mr. Kerry as more than just an alternative to the status quo, he is every possible alternative on every possible issue all rolled into one. We're cool with that. Yes, he has qualities that could only be the basis for a great ski bum cum gold digger, but that's no reason to deny him the Presidency because, as we already stated, Bush really sucks.

We have been impressed with Mr. Kerry's knowledge and thinking when he was forced to shut up by a blinking debate light. We aren't too concerned that with no such light in the Oval Office he is doomed to be an over-analyzing, second guessing, mentally paralytic President who accomplishes little if anything while in office. He is blessedly willing to change his mind when we write bad things about him, so we're thinking we can pretty much call the shots from here. And while he punked out of Vietnam, turned on his brothers in arms and has never held a real job we won't hold that against him because the only thing that sucks worse than Bush and working for a living is the military. He strikes us, above all, as a man with a strong moral core that has all the density of a nerf ball.

There is no denying that Bush sucks and he stole the election and should of come to town kissing our collective asses like, say, a Jimmy Carter did. Instead, he actually had the nerve to govern.

Mr. Bush installed John Ashcroft as attorney general, as opposed to someone like say, Sen. Robert Byrd, who had actually achieved something in life having risen to the level of Grand Kleagle in the past. And Ashcroft had the audacity to actually try and enact a conservative agenda.

When the nation fell into recession, the president promptly lowered taxes to juice the economy preventing us from now running him out of town on a failed economic agenda. No Child Left Behind, his signature domestic program, imposed higher standards on local school systems and demanded efficiency. Because teachers, much like editorial writers, simply aren't wired to work very hard, we find his policies extremely harsh and have reached the inescapable conclusion that ... Bush really sucks.

If Mr. Bush had wanted to make a mark on an issue on which Republicans and Democrats have long made common cause, he could have picked the environment. Everyone likes trees. And getting distracted because a few lousy sky scrapers across town were obliterated and a Pentagon we could all do without was attacked is no excuse for not kissing a little liberal ass once in a while. Seriously, come on, this guy really, really sucks.

The president who lost the popular vote (yes, we know that statement has absolutely no basis for anything in constitutional law, but since when have we given a flip about the constitution.) got a real mandate on Sept. 11, 2001. With the grieving country united behind him, Mr. Bush had an unparalleled opportunity to ask for almost any shared sacrifice. The only limit was his imagination. So the bastard went for another tax break and started kicking Iraqi ass. The nerve!

The president's refusal to drop his tax-cutting agenda when the nation was still struggling out of recession makes no sense to our economically challenged editorial board. Since we can't seem to get a drumbeat going over the deficit, which we nailed his Dad on, even though tax cuts grew the economy and eliminated that deficit just like it will this one - let's try: do you realize that 90 percent of the cargo unloaded every day in the nation's ports still goes uninspected? And just because any truly knowledgeable person will tell you it's impossible to inspect a higher percentage without seriously damaging our economy as a result of unacceptable delays and spoilage - we're going to mention it anyway ... because, basically, well, Bush really sucks.

Along with the invasion of Afghanistan, which had near unanimous international and domestic support, Mr. Bush and his attorney general put in place a strategy for a domestic antiterror war that had all the hallmarks of the administration's normal method of doing business: it got things done. And we really, really hate when that happens with a Republican administration.

American citizens were detained without immediate access to lawyers or family members. Immigrants were rounded up and forced to languish. And all for a couple of damned buildings and a few downed airplanes. Men captured in the Afghan war were held incommunicado with no right to return to their terrorist cells and take up arms against our soldiers - that seems incredibly unfair, don't you think?. The Justice Department became a cheerleader for skirting decades-old international laws and treaties forbidding the brutal treatment of terrorists taken during wartime and if there's anything we hate more than Bush and the Pentagon it's cheerleaders. Have you ever seen our pictures? We much prefer overweight and out of shape lesbians and NOW members. We can usually score with them - cheerleaders, not on our list.

Mr. Ashcroft appeared on TV time and again to announce sensational arrests of extremely low-level sympathizers of Osama bin Laden who, while perhaps wishing to do something terrible, lacked the means. How dare we detain them BEFORE they had the means. The least we could have done was handed out some boxcutters and a few frequent flyer vouchers. America demands a level playing field, don't you think? Other nations, seeing the vast bulk of the prisoners held for so long at Guantánamo Bay were angry because they can't even feed and cloth their own people, let alone so many itinerant terrorists. And seeing the awful photographs from the Abu Ghraib prison in Baghdad, which we showed you again and again and again didn't even knock this guy out of the race. DAMN! Bush really, really, really SUCKS!

Bush, Kerry, all of Congress, 17 UN resolutions and intelligence reports we ourselves published sold the Iraq war to the American people but, well, see, we've changed our minds. Because along with not working very hard, journalists hate seeing anything difficult through to the end. None of the president's chief advisers have ever been held accountable for our changing our minds - and we hate that, too. Certainly, WE aren't going to be held accountable for anything. We're the New York Freaking Times fer Christ's sake. Alright?

The international outrage over the American invasion is now joined by a sense of disdain for the incompetence of the effort thanks to our extremely selective reporting of only the worst news from the theatre. Moderate Arab leaders who have attempted to introduce a modicum of democracy - maybe only taking a finger or toe for a minor crime, as opposed to an entire hand, are tainted by their connection to an administration that is now kicking serious ass in the fight against Islamofascism. Heads of rogue states, including Iran and North Korea, have been taught decisively that they better watch the fuck out or they just might be next. And, of all things, they may have to experience the outrage of actually having real democracies on their doorsteps. That's so unfair. How on earth are they supposed to keep their people down if Bush is running around like a madman setting so many others free?

We have specific fears about what would happen in a second Bush term, particularly regarding the Supreme Court. We might actually wind up with a court that actually interprets the constitution. The record so far gives us plenty of cause for worry. Thanks to Mr. Bush we're not getting any left-leaning activist judges into the system. Before you know it we'll be in a situation where legislatures actually get to make the laws. Where in the hell did THAT brilliant idea come from?

Mr. Kerry has the capacity to do far, far better. He has a willingness - sorely missing in Washington these days - to bend over for every third world potentate that comes down the pike. We are relieved that he is a strong defender of tax loopholes for his billionairess wife, that he would remove ethical restrictions on stem cell research and that "religion" with him is just a bunch of horseshit to be used as campaign fodder and nothing more. We appreciate his alleged plan to provide health coverage for anyone by redistributing wealth and watering down the quality of care. Shit, we're covered.

Mr. Kerry has an aggressive lunatic fringe package of ideas about energy, aimed at addressing the myths of global warming and oil dependency. He is a longtime advocate of deficit reduction with his ability to borrow from Teresa. In the Senate, he worked with John McCain in restoring relations between the United States and his commie friends from Vietnam. He has always understood that America's appropriate role in world affairs is as an apologist within a willing community of greedy, unprincipled nations who'd like nothing better than to see us fall.

We look back on the past four years with hearts nearly breaking from our lame inability to damage Bush more than we have. Hello! Is anyone even READING this paper any more?? Time and again, history invited George W. Bush to play a heroic role, and time and again he stepped up and did it while we've sat here tossing yellow number two pencils at the ceiling tiles and telling fart jokes while eating bad Chinese take-out. It's so UNFAIR! We believe that with John Kerry as president, the Chinese take-out will get better. Teresa has promised us at least that much.

Voting for president is a leap of faith, kinda like, "Hey, what the hell!" A candidate can explain his positions in minute detail and wind up governing with a hostile Congress that refuses to let him deliver. A disaster can upend the best-laid plans. In short, we know Kerry's going to screw it up because he's such a loser but we're leaving in this backdoor so noone can say it's our fault when he does. We never take responsibility for anything. We're journalists. Anyway, we're going to enthusiastically endorse John Kerry for president, because, no matter how you slice it, at the end of the day, we think Bush really sucks and Nader doesn't have a freaking prayer.

Comments

[Iceman 1955]

Thanks for reading between the lines of the NYT's lame endorsement. Any real surprise about this endorsement? Really sad coming from a paper in the city that was hit so hard.

[SemiOnager]

If only it were limited to the NYT. (sigh)

[Kathy]

The Chicago Tribune endorsed Bush, as did the Lowell Sun, Kerry's hometown paper. I've long suspected that Osama Bin Laden is alive and well and working for the New York Times.